


Tingling (With Apologies to St. Teresa of Avila)

by Bead



Series: Bead's Original Poems & Such. [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Original work - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:28:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22044883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bead/pseuds/Bead
Summary: This is about my pain struggle (we might have a diagnosis soon after 20 years).  It has a brief reference to my sexual assault: violence that didn't actually occur.I BROKE MY WRITING BLOCK Y'ALL.It's not a sunny little thing, but what can ya do. Subtitled: My Smart Wand broke, and apparently it was helping a lot more than I thought.I'm not thrilled about the formatting, but it was the best I could do with the tools at hand to denote the etch-a-sketch nature of my symptoms.This original work is not for reproduction elsewhere by anyone other than the writer herself and does not have written copyright permission.
Series: Bead's Original Poems & Such. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615810
Comments: 29
Kudos: 31





	Tingling (With Apologies to St. Teresa of Avila)

**Author's Note:**

> TW:minor rape reference.

  
  
Tingling.A word used to describe desire or delight.  


To me, most days, every day, a tingle is a warning. 

Numbness or worse, sparks beneath the skin.Heat lightning in the distance…or far too close  
  
A tingle, right there, right out of the blue is…

A thing to be c o n c e r n e d about.

Relax. _Breathe_. Maybe it’ll just go away into the regular old ache that is what is supposed to be my body but is just this _wreck_ of muscle and tendon and bone and nerves that regularly _punches_ me if I don’t keep things lined up _just right_ , pelvis, spine it gets me, it gets me a couple times a day, I can’t get away, only in sleep so just just just _breathe_ and deal with what _is_ and breathe and I just have to deal I have just have to understand and manage _there._  
  


Just there. 

It’s knocked me out of a chair.  
  
He never did that. That boyfriend I was lucky to get away from. 

The punch of pain echoes like he did.  


All that’s left is a way to make sense of what the rest of the rest of it’s _like._

Take the shining silver shiv between the shoulder blades, familiar painful clean as

the heart-catch bite of winter. 

I claw for breath and 

f i g h tto unbow my spine

**_Hello, I was talking here.  
  
_**Helpless to this eternal internal infernal glitch 

Aping a saint in ecstasy: 

back arched taut, 

mouth open, 

hands outstretched. 

  
  
This sure ain’t holy

I am _not_ ecstatic. 

But,

I must (bear, witness) channel whatever this is..  
  


And

The moment tends to 

wipe me clean 

and make my brain anew.

So if you could keep track of the conversation.  
  
  
  
See.  
  
I’m left with my whole body 

and brain 

_tingling._  


I know it wasn’t good. 

So if you could remember 

what we were talking about.

That.

That’d be great. 

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism appreciated, but if you're gonna really tear into it, let's do PM, hmmm?


End file.
